


Guardian Angel

by Red_Liliums_from_the_Lunatic_Karma



Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Bleach Baths, Child Abuse, Corporal Punishment, Cults, Gen, How Do I Tag, How many more am I going to add?, Human Sacrifice, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Past Abuse, References to Depression, Religious Fanaticism, Religious Guilt, Sacrifice, Self-Harm, for now, get used to them, it's a thing, just a little, more minor character deaths, nothing to worry about, should have put that one way earlier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-15 09:23:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12318210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Liliums_from_the_Lunatic_Karma/pseuds/Red_Liliums_from_the_Lunatic_Karma
Summary: When I was a kid my mother told me: “There is nothing you should be afraid of, because there is always something protecting you, my sweet angel.” She was never wrong, she was a mother, and mothers were never wrong. .Oh mother, if only you knew, this angel of yours may be protected, but maybe that is his curse.





	1. Eight - The Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the screams of mom and dad are hard to ignore.

 When I was a kid my mother told me: “There is nothing you should be afraid of, because there is always something protecting you, my sweet angel.” She said that while stroking my hair on a white room, inside a white house, that was surrounded by many look alike. She was never wrong, she was a mother, and mothers were never wrong.  I remember this while on a white hospital room, but this kind of white doesn’t give me the sense of safety that my old home gave me.

 Oh mother, if only you knew, this angel of yours may be protected, but maybe that is his curse.

 Every parent loved the children, but more the ones that came from their own flesh. My mother and father loved me and my sister a lot, always smiling at us, telling us about the war that was going on in space, and how we should never look too much at the sky, even more at night. Yes, our parents always protected us from the bad energies, even if they were affected by them sometimes.

 I was eight when it first happened, when the dark energy that comes from space made itself present in the form of the screams at the kitchen. Mother and father were yelling at each other, furious for reasons I couldn’t decipher, even today. This was new, this never happened, I didn’t liked it. I felt a pressure in my chest, feeling how the peace of his home was tarnished with every scream that ripped their throats. I couldn’t make out the words, only the feelings behind them.

 The neighbors must have heard one them throwing something at the other, because moments later when the sound of a plate breaking against a wall reached his ears like a paralyzing thunder, the front door of the house opened suddenly, and the fighting stopped. Father Mathew walked into my room and told me to go play with Jen, that everything was going to be alright.

 I obeyed, because you must never disrespect a Father, and was escorted to my sister’s room, kneeled down beside her, watching how she draw over the pictures of girls on her coloring book instead of, well, coloring. She used the color pencils to change the type of clothes they were wearing, or the kind of hair style they were using. I asked what she was doing, she told me she was making them pretty, in a way that seemed like it was obvious. I didn’t get it, but it made her happy, so I just stayed quiet.

 Time passed, and sun had already set when our mother came back, smiling as if nothing had happened, telling us that dinner was almost ready. When we walked down the stairs our father was cooking. There was no trace of a broken plate, nor the dark energy that flooded the kitchen before. Later I understood that the mothers had cleaned the place while we were upstairs, no bad energies could be found, and the fathers had taken our parents to the cleansing rooms.

  We went to sleep; father read one of our books before sleep. I ignored the crack his neck did when he turned the lights on, too happy to notice.


	2. Eleven - Joseph - New Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friend is like a light, a star that shines brightly…

 I was eleven when a new home was occupied. The whole neighborhood had greeted the new members with open arms, and understanding that the first time is always awkward, because apparently in other places it isn’t common to “be this happy”, whatever they meant.

 Jen and I approached our new brother, and he was just our age! What a coincidence! But his sad expression really startled me, almost breaking my smile. Jen wasn’t that lucky, she always showed her emotions too much, getting her in trouble more than once, her smile was a little shy, but you could tell she felt uncomfortable, her hands twisting the hem of her dress.

“Hello there! My name is Daniel, and this is my sister Jen. It is so nice to meet you…” I trailed off, waving my hand in his direction as to prompt him to finish the sentence.

 The boy visibly gulped before speaking on a shy whisper.

“Joseph…”

“Well that is a pretty name.” Jen was smiling broadly now, never showing her teeth like me but sincere. I laughed a little at that, at least she approved of the name and didn’t call him something that “fitted him better” like the others. That would scare their new brother.

“Well Joseph, I hope you enjoy living here! If you need anything I will be right across the street.” I pointed at my house and he nodded, a small smile forming in his lips. Yes! That was it! He was just shy, what a relief.

  

 After that day Joseph and I spent a lot of days together. Sometimes I would be inside my room reading one of the white books that Father Augusto gave at church when I get interrupted by a tap on the window. I became familiar with that sound, it meant my new (even if he wasn’t new anymore, he was the last brother to join the family) friend came to visit.

 For some reason Joseph liked hearing me talk about life here, maybe because he didn’t want to feel excluded from the rest of the family; which is weird because we always make it so the new members feel welcomed… Maybe I should talk to Mother Juliet about it.

 One of the first questions was if I was born here, and when I asked why he just said it was because I seemed to fit right in, like I had lived my whole life here. I laughed at that, because it was the truth. I was born inside this community, along with a large part of my siblings. And even some parents! I felt curious, but also I thought is this feeling also came from space… Another thing to ask.

 Other times we just stayed silent, doing our own thing, mainly him staring at my room while I did something else. There wasn’t much to see, really: a bed, a closet, a desk, all white. Jen didn’t join us that much, she started getting busy with the fashion magazines she found, editing the clothes or hair styles of the models. She was really talented.

 Joseph never talked to Jen, I don’t know why. As time went on, I realized I was probably the only person he was friends with. He always spent his free time with me, and he seemed to not like being at his own home. I could understand that, the first month could get really hard; he just had to wait until his parents were taken to the cleansing rooms, getting them rid of the negative emotions they drag from the city. I told him this in hope of cheering him up, but he just ended up sadder.

 It took me some time to accept that my new brother could not be cured from the negative energies, that he may live forever sad… And that made me feel the same way. I went to Mother Juliet, telling her what troubled me. She told me that it was normal for new people to be sad at first, even more for child. She patted my back and told me not to worry, that she was going to discuss the subject with the other parents.

 

 The next day Joseph’s parents were taken to the cleansing rooms. I was surprised to find him crying on my bedroom, telling me they were dead. I told him that was impossible; those rooms weren’t meant to kill people! Just the dark energies that didn’t want to leave their souls. He shook his head.

“Those aren’t my mom and dad.” I forced myself to not correct the way he called his mother and father, I didn’t want to upset him anymore.

“Well, maybe they aren’t the versions of them you are used to, they are better! My parents went to the cleansing rooms and look at them. The Fathers and Mother took ride of the things that made them unhappy, the things that made the bad emotions from space stronger.

 Joseph sat there quietly, he had stopped crying. I sat beside him, putting my arms around him. Even if I could feel how the dark energies were puling against his skin, as if they were trying to pull themselves over mine, I just stayed there. He needed this; I wanted him to be a part of this family.

 I would ask Father Mathew to clean my body with the special bleach later, I won’t even cry out if it starts to sting.


	3. Eleven - Joseph - Be my guide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> …He was like a shooting star that pierced my heart. Fleeting, but painful.

 My brother Joseph had been strange since the day he went home after his parent’s cleansing. He didn’t smile, he didn’t speak as much as he used to. Well, not that he did a lot of that before, but at least he did. There was something… strange about him. He was _surrounded_ by negative emotions; it was as if he became one with them. His father and mother just became part of our family, so why was he so miserable? He wasn’t a boy anymore; he was like a rag doll I dragged around our neighborhood.

My parents didn’t want me to catch his negative energies, but some Fathers took my initiative as something positive, seeing as I was really invested on our community, so they didn’t punish me for spending time with him. They just made sure to bathe me more than the other children of our family, just to make sure.

 One time we were inside my room, I was showing him the Family’s photo album, pointing the people that had ascended, the people that were still here… It was when I was turning a page when I heard a voice coming from his mouth, making me freeze by the sheer feeling of his tone.

“How can you all be so happy after losing so many people?” he whispered. I could feel the sadness in his voice, and I tried to not shake when I felt like my skin was being touched by his filth.

“Silly Joseph, we didn’t lose anyone! They are all a part of something bigger!” I said with a big smile. “Being one of the chosen ones to be ascended is an honor; it means you have reached pure happiness!

 Joseph just looked at me with the same sad look he always had, sighing and looking straight ahead at nothing in particular, like he was deep in thought.

“But don’t worry; I will make sure you ascend with me, so I can guide you to our Gods! Father Mathew said that one day I may do it. “I tried to reassure him. I didn’t want my brother to be scared on a day that was so very far away but that should be filled with positive emotions.

 “Maybe…” he just said before getting up and getting out of my room by the window. I just put the photo album on its place, waiting for the time Joseph and I would be part of the family’s history with a hopeful smile.

 

 Joseph was found dead on his own room, the blood painting the white walls.

_“I hate white, I want a little bit of color, you know?”_

 His body was taken far away from our community. The parents said that, because his soul didn’t ascend, his corpse couldn’t stay on sacred grounds.

_“Don’t you ever feel so… dead while being alive?”_

 After all that everyone forgot Joseph, like he hadn’t even existed. I was expected to, so I did the same. I lived on normally, and no one noticed that I spent more times on the special bleach showers, scratching my skin because of how hard I scrubbed, trying to get the negative emotions that wanted to live inside my skin, the words on the bloody letter my disease brother left me, the ones I tried to get out of my brain by submerging my head and cleaning my scalp.

_“I feel like I’m in Hell.”_

 I asked Mother Isabelle what hell was. She told me hell didn’t exist, but that I could see it as when the uncleaned soul on space without a guide, forever lost. I felt afraid for my dear friend; of how lost he must feel. She felt the sadness growing inside me, so she patted my head and said with a smile:

“It’s the job of the guide to help those who get lost in the way… Maybe Joseph trusted you to be his guide.”

 Those words stuck to my mind, along with my friend’s words. I had to become his guide; I had to earn that position. I didn’t want to think of him wondering dangerously on space anymore.

_“Help me, Daniel.”_

_“I will.”_


	4. Fourteen/Fifteen - Baby blue, pure white

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our bond was strong… But our wills weren’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I did not expect to have this much support!  
> Thanks to everyone that read and left kudos, and the ones that didn't leave any too!
> 
> Also a quick note: I don't blame anyone for not noticing, because I didn't even made it clear... But if we take into account that Daniel and Jen are like the "parallels" of David and Gwen, Joseph is the "parallel" of Jasper. Or at least I made it that way.
> 
> Just a little note, and a kind of explanation as to why I give him so much importance, childhood traumas aside.
> 
> Again, thank you so much, and I hope you like this chapter.

 Jen turned out to be a problematic teen. She didn’t want to talk to any of the other sisters, she was hostile towards our bothers and she stopped reading the books Father Augusto gave every time after church. Her smile was forced, her lips pressed together to not snarl at the people that talked to her.

“I just don’t get how they can’t see it!” she told me one time, walking back and forth in my room while I sat on my bed “They talk to me like I’m a little girl when I’m not! It just annoys me! If they don’t like me growing up then don’t talk to me at all!”

 Mother and father weren’t home, so she could scream and throw my pillows as much as she wanted, but being careful to not be heard by the family outside. I tried not to move from my spot, my whole body tense in an attempt to not stand up and run away from her. She was so… _infected_ by the negative emotions; it reminded me of Jos-

 Ah, a pinch in my arm, what was I thinking about? Right, Jen, my sister, my infected sister. I shouldn’t allow this to happen, I should go to a parent and tell them about her behavior… but for some reason I couldn’t. I could feel how the dark energies wrapped around her shoulders, all around her head. If I wanted, I could hear the twisted whispers that negative cloud was saying to Jen.

 I told Mother Isabelle about this after two months, when I couldn’t take it anymore. Everything she said, she was just a victim of the negative emotions, and she didn’t really believe what she was saying. Or at least I hoped so. Mother Isabelle was displeased that I hadn’t told her sooner, and I returned home with a burning back. I felt better for a while.

 Father Augusto told me to participate in the cleaning of my sister’s body and soul, and I obeyed, even if the sight of the Parents dragging her forcibly to the bathroom, ripping her clothes and forcing her inside a tub wasn’t pretty at all.

Mother Clarissa pulled her head under the liquid in the middle of a scream, and in the entirety of the moment the only thing I could think about was of how afraid I was that she may drink some of the bleach by accident. From time to time she would let her take a breath, just to push her down again.

 Jen’s hands were grabbing with white knuckles the sides of the tub, trying in vain to pull herself out of her torture. Father Mathew looked at me and told me to go grab some new clothes for Jen, that the cleaning was almost done. I had to use all of my will power to not run as fast as I could to get away from that scene, from the screams of my sister.

 When I returned with the clothing Jen was on the floor, trembling while Mother Clarissa dried her skin with a towel. Father Mathew took the clothes and told me to wait for us outside, and with a pat on my head he told me I did the right thing. But if I was questioning my actions, was it really right to tell them?

 When they returned with my sister dressed on a white dress and left us, I didn’t feel the dark cloud of negative energy around her. I looked at her eyes, glanced and with red marks around them, reminding me of the first time I looked myself in the mirror after a bleach bath. Those empty baby blue eyes that looked at nothing, that didn’t even register me.

 I grabbed her arm and ignored the flinch she made, making her walk in a way that I could describe today as automatic to our home. She didn’t talk; she didn’t even blink all the way from the cleansing rooms to her room. I had to sit her in bed, and I left her after failing to make her speak. Mother and father weren’t like this, maybe it was something to do with their age.

 When I got out of her room I was met with Mother Isabelle, who just smiled at me widely, the punishing whip being held tightly in her hands. I had told them, but I hid the situation with Jen for a long time, that was unacceptable. I took my punishment, and returned home with my legs burning, raw. At least they stopped bleeding, but that didn’t mean the walking was any easier.

 

 The next months passed normally. Jen smiled again, talked to our parents and helped around in our community. I was happy for her; she survived the cleansing process and returned to her old self. Not many people did the same.

 But I was a fool to think that things would go back to normal so easily. Jen has to take cleansing baths every four month, because they said she was really susceptible to the negative emotions that come from space, and both mothers and fathers wanted to make sure there weren’t any more gestating inside of her.

 Jen’s hair turned white, just as mine, but her case wasn’t that she was so devoted with our religion that she took those baths regularly just to make sure she didn’t have any dark energy stuck in her skin just because she looked at the sky a little bit too long, like me. No, hers was a mark of revelry, she had because she was a revel, because she didn’t believe enough, because she was so tainted from the inside she couldn’t be happy and reach ascension.

 That white hair told the rest of the family she didn’t know how to behave.

 It didn’t matter how many times she was struck by the Whip of Punishment, or the Suppressing Plank, nor how many times she was submerged inside the cleansing baths, whenever the Mothers and Fathers of our family asked me if I saw any dark energies on her, I told them the same: I don’t see them around her, but I _feel_ them inside of her.

 I told them because I was a good Son, because I wanted to make my family proud, because I wanted to grow up and guide Jos-

 My nails leave red trails of pain on the skin of my arm, making me forget that forbidden name.

 Sometimes I helped her, having taken so many baths myself, telling her the amount of bleach she had to pour on the water and how to submerge properly. I knew that half of the time she wasn’t listening to me, but I did it as a way to fill the silence that surrounded us.

 It was forbidden for a male member of the community to see a female member naked, the only exception being if it was on the reproductive festivities, or if they were being assisted on a cleansing bath. The Mothers and Fathers told me I didn’t have to worry about it, since I was assisting her.

 I never helped her to take her clothes of, she did it herself. First the shoes and socks, then the dress, and last the underwear. She would get inside the tub slowly, sitting whit her whole body tense. I would grab a sponge and start scrubbing her skin, not as hard as to make a scratch, but enough as to make the dark spots that apparently no one else could see disappear.

 She stayed silent, looking at the wall’s tiles like it held the secret to her salvation, and she was awaiting for the answer every time she had to get inside the bathtub. Only when they left the rooms after the bath she smiled, but never when the both of them were alone.

 

 We were both fifteen when everything went wrong. Jen didn’t attend church, and because the Parents were keeping such a close eye on her they immediately found her. She was on top of Sister Maria, a little nine year old girl, with a pair of bloody scissors in hand. The girl’s face was wrecked, her cheeks had been cut in the shape of an exaggerated smile, and a bunch of scars were marking her skin, like the lines of a surgery.

 I was the first one to see her, and when she looked at me she didn’t freeze in place, she didn’t looked at me and told me “This is not what it seems” or “Please, help me”. I felt a chill run down my spine when I saw the first honest smile in her face since the cleansing treatments started…  She stood up and run towards me, hugging me tightly, staining my clothes with the child’s blood.

“I finally made it Daniel!” She said with a laugh, I could feel her happiness emanating from under her skin “I made her pretty! Look at her, isn’t she beautiful now?”

She pointed at Sister Maria, but I was shocked at the realization that I couldn’t remember a time where she seemed this happy. Even more was the shock of not feeling any negative energy under her skin, nor a cloud of dark whispers around her… She was clean, she was happy.

 In that moment she released me and turned her head at the sound of footsteps, meeting the sight of the Parents that were looking for her. She tried to run, but they were faster. They grabbed her, bruising her pale arms, dragging her forcibly across the grass. It surprised me to see the sweet girl that hugged me earlier turn into a wild animal that lashed violently at the people that wouldn’t let her go.

 Jen bit the arm of Mother Clarissa, drawing blood from the wound and a scream of pain from the woman. She took advantage of the shock of the moment to fight with her full force and scape from the grasp of the parents, running away with a speed I had never seen.

 She got away, never to return again. Father Augusto amputated Mother Clarissa’s arm because of the possibility that her wound may have been infected with Jen’s dark energy. I went to the cleansing room by myself, scrubbing away the blood of my diseased sister off of my skin, even the blood that the eye couldn’t see. I just knew it was still there, clinging to my body like a parasite.

 I walked home in pure silence, the picture still fresh in my head, as well as the events of last year. I went to sleep with a heavy feeling in my chest, dreaming of Jen in her white dress, covered in green and red, smiling at me, waving her hand. I could hear her laughter, and for some reason that night I slept peacefully.

But then, I woke up to find the neighborhood as if nothing had happened. My mother and father acted as if they never had a daughter to begin with, Jen’s room was empty, and no one seemed to remember my sister, as if she never existed.

 When I asked about Jen, they just looked at me and said things like: “Who?” “We never had a daughter Daniel, only you” and “Dear, are you lying to your parents?” And that’s when I shut my mouth; I didn’t want to disrespect them any further. A slap to the face was enough punishment for them, but not to me.

 I was sad, so sad that no matter how many times I had the heavy suppressing plank in my hands, how many times I scrubbed my skin with the sponge, I just couldn’t get off of me the negative feelings that formed deep within myself. The ones that crawled beneath my skin like worms, making me want to scratch with my nails to get them out. But the only thing that came out was my blood.

An idea came into my head: I just had to do the same I did to forget about the sadness that infected me whenever I thought about _him_. But maybe a little more, instead of a scratch I just have to sink my teeth into the flesh of my arm and- There, no more sadness, just a little bit of pain for a life free of negative emotions.

 Maybe that was what everyone on our- _my_ family did to forget about the lost ones.


	5. Sixteen - Intruder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patience is virtue, silence is golden…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the time it took me to finish this chapter. It was really hard for some reason, plus I'm just days away from finishing school and going into university.
> 
> Ok, I hope you like this chapter. And thanks for waiting.

Our community was a good one; we built each other’s houses, we took turn in cleaning the streets, the church, and even helped the female members when they were giving birth. We were all a big family, we didn’t harm anybody.

 So why would anyone want to destroy our peace?

 I remember it clearly, the day they came into our family, which got bigger with time. He was the first person to join from the outside in many years, ever since Mother Christine and Father Luca came when I was eight. The rest of the new outsiders were all kids, either born inside the community or adopted by Parents that weren’t blessed with the gift of fertility.

 It was the day our community gained it’s first Grandfather, his name was Morgan and one day he brought his two grandchildren, making them stay with us. We were all so excited; we didn’t know Father Morgan had children outside the community! The only thing we knew about him was that he came from another country.

 In our family we believe that the life we had before the community doesn’t exist, because our true selves fully exist when the negative emotions that come from space leave your body and soul, and that’s when we are in our neighborhood.

 Father Morgan was well in his fifties, but even with his age he was a kind and hard worker man. I remember when I was a kid and asked him why he joined us, when I was full of questions, before I realized that not all were to be answered.

 “Daniel, there are times when you get so tired of all the city stuff, you just want to lay down, relax, and get away from all those bad energies…” He said with a longing stare. Now I wonder if he was thinking about the child he left behind.

 They were two kids, and they looked so alike! I offered a handshake for the both, and they had such a strong grip. Maybe they could help me with some of the work at the church; I had been spending a lot of time there.

 The girl was full of energy, always a happy smile on her face and a positive comment for every situation. The boy wasn’t like her, he was full of hate and resentment, looking at everyone with a dark stare, and he always talked back to our Parents, something that you just _don’t do._

 He liked to tease everyone in our community, from our youngest siblings to the eldest parents, like we didn’t deserve the minimum amount of respect. The parents were really disappointed, seeing as his sister was like a role model for all the girls in our family, and wanted him to become at least a respectable member.

 But no matter how much we tried, how much we cleansed him in many ways, he still was the same rebellious boy. It was like the dark energies were stuck deep inside of him, fusing with his soul in a sinful bond.

 There was no saving his soul, but the Parents still tried, because he was part of the family, and we always helped each other in times of need. I visited his house to keep an eye on him, to see if he was infecting the people who lived with him. Every visit made my body tense, I could see the black cracks on the white painting inside his room, I could feel the tendrils trying to choke me in their embrace, but I never gave in. Because that’s what he wanted.

 He always smiled like he was planning something big, something that would hurt us and he would gain so much pleasure from it. That smile made my whole back tense, my teeth biting my lip to keep my smile steady. It became normal for me to taste blood on my mouth whenever I was close to him, it was the only way I could shield my soul from his attempts to poison me.

 It was impossible for me to comprehend how someone so young could have so much malice inside of his body. How a man and a woman could make such a wonderful child and at the same time create something rotten. The parents blamed it on the life outside the community, those cities that made a living out of the sins and with skies that are so tainted by the filth you can barely see the sun.

 It must be it, because Father Augusto once said that every soul was born pure, but was tainted by the dark energies in the hospital, and that if you don’t treat them from the beginning then those negative emotions will grow until you become one with them. That would explain… some things…

 I didn’t want to sin, I didn’t want to despise a brother, but I found myself at the end of the punishments of Mother Isabelle and Father Martin more than once because of this, feeling better until I saw him again. The mere sight of his silhouette made something crawl under my skin, something I tried to desperately pull out more than once.

 His name felt heavy on my tongue, the weight of everything it means making it hard to say. It signified everything we were against of, those dark tendrils that pulled my tongue whenever I tried to say that cursed name made me shake with goosebumps, my skin suddenly cold.

 It was one of the days when I had to go to his house, when I had to sit on the floor of his rotten room and endure his presence, his words, his gazes. It must be a test, I keep telling myself, this is a test from the Gods. They want to see if I can be a true Guide, that’s it. I was reading one of the sacred books, the one that told the ongoing war out merciful Gods were battling, and he just wouldn’t stay still. It was his room, he could do whatever he wanted in it unless it was something that was against our way of living, but not listening to someone who was trying to be nice was just plain disrespectful.

 No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough to keep the dark energies that tried to get under my skin  away. I gripped the book with white knuckles, I bit my lip until the taste of blood was unbearable, one of my eyes started to twitch by the mere want to grab him and scram right into his face everything I was holding inside… But I knew I couldn’t let him win, no matter what. I needed to be Guide; no one else will guide _him_ if I don’t success.

  ** _Crack_**

 His movements stopped at the sound, looking at me like I had growed a second head. With that one snap of my neck all of my tension and bas thoughts had gone away, leaving me completely calm. I took a deep breath and looked at him, smiling widely.

“My dear brother Eric, why don’t you listen to what I’m reading? I´m sure Grandfather Morgan would love to hear you are interested in our culture.”

 I saw his face turn pale, knowing how much he hated when his grandfather would punish him, leaving those red marks on his back with his belt. It was good that he was ashamed; it showed that the opinion of his elder mattered to him.

 The fear looked good on him, how he would gulp audibly and look away, his lips being bitten by his front teeth, sometimes his hands would travel through his hair… It was quite the sight, and I loved it. He was so quiet so, so obedient when the name of Grandfather Morgan was brought up. I knew he hated the punishments, but he always looked so smug when he disobeyed again, like he was saying that whatever we did didn’t affect him… But his own blood was another thing entirely.

 I started using those threats to stop his behavior, to shape him into a better member. I couldn’t do the last part, he still mocked and insulted, but not when he was around me. The parents saw this and congratulated me, telling me I did such a good job. I was so happy; finally the negative emotions that came from Brother Eric weren’t trying to get under my flesh. It was like I scared them away.

 Just a crack of my neck and everything that bothered me just... vanished. Now I know why my father always does it.


	6. Seventeen - First time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... And the fear of the sinner is the best meal for the one whose neck cracks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I finished my studies I can finally use my free time to updating this fanfic, as well as doing a more personal project. 
> 
> We are close to ending, so that means I'm not going to do every single age Daniel goes through, because I only have too many subjects to talk about. But if you want to make a suggestion, feel free to do so in the comments. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, and see you soon!

 “Everyone’s first time is a little frightening. But, just like anything that’s new, you end up getting used to it.” Those were the words my father said to me while he tried, and mostly failed, to cut the papers on equal sizes, a hobby he developed for unknown reasons. His hands were shacking, his voice didn’t hold any kind of emotion, and it sounded so empty. It had been… since that… day.

 My mother, on the other hand, was all bright smiles and hugs, always talking of how proud she was of her son. I remember how cold her hands were when she put them on my cheeks; I could almost feel her bones pocking me. It’s incredible the little details one’s mind can remember for years.

 “My dear, you are so pure and brave… I know you spent a lot of time with your Brother Eric, but I also know you will fulfill your duty without a doubt. Remember, this is for the greater good.”

 And it was, I understood that, the Parents explained me the situation: apparently the behavior or Brother Eric infected other people of the community, making them aggressive and hateful, the negative energies rotting them from the inside. It was my duty, as not only one of the most devoted to our religion, even as a minor, but also as one who’s soul was not tainted in all this years where the dark emotions came full force from space, testing our faith.

 I read about the procedure to clean a person’s soul from a parasite as strong as the one we were treating at the moment. I remember one of the times Brother Eric came to my house and I wanted him to just _shut up and sit still_ , but instead of saying that to him I told him something I knew would shake him to his rotten core.

_“Do you know, my dear Brother, what our ancient Gods told us to do to the ones who disrespect our faith?” I told him while cracking my neck, feeling happy as I saw how I had his full attention. His head shock, apparently unable to tell me the answer with words. Good, I didn’t want to hear what came out of that poisonous mouth._

 I remember that day as I walk to the church at night, surrounded by the Parents, who opened the doors and guided me inside. The candles were the only source of light, illuminating the table made out of rocks where Eric was laying on, being held down by cuffs that made it impossible to scape. Even with the scares lighting in the room I could see the silhouettes of every member of the community sitting down facing the altar.

 

_“Those people are rotten very deep down inside their bodies; they have no cure, no matter how hard we may try to cleanse them with the normal ways… Our elders found out a solution to exterminate that negative plague from the body of the one that infests, and the ones that were infected…”_

 

 I remember the book, soft against my palms, no longer soft from the punishment I inflicted upon myself, because I wouldn’t give in. I wouldn’t get infected. I remember the smile I gave him, the same one I was giving to the desperate boy who looked at me with wide open eyes, trying to scream for help with a mouth covered by a piece of cloth.

 

_“We shut them up to not let their poisonous words reach the one who will do the cleansing. Their soul may be pure, but we never know what kind of tricks that kind of devilish parasite would use...”_

 

 Mother Elizabeth covered his eyes with a blindfold, smiling and whispering words to his ears. I felt pity for her, she knew her words wouldn’t reach the boy’s mind, but at least she tried. It wasn’t forbidden, so they just let her do what she felt was right.

 

_“We blind them, so their eyes can’t reach for the mercy that exists inside every living creature. They would try to use it against us, you see, and we wouldn’t want that…”_

 I remember how he looked at me back then, and how he looked at me now when he could do so, how his attempts to scape turned into frantic trashing. Grandfather Morgan appeared from the shadows, carrying an object that was covered in a white cloth, and when he unfolded it my breath was caught inside my chest, making me unable to breath for just a moment.

It was the Ritual Knife, the one that was handed to our Elders by the Gods themselves.

 

_“The Ritual Knife, the knife that has the power to cleanse every evil from this world, made from the flesh and bones of the same Gods we adore, the same Gods we devote our souls to… Having that knife in our hands is the closest we would get to be by their side while being trapped in our mortal bodies.”_

 

 I took it with my hand, and even though my soul was shaking by the fact that I was holding an ancient tool, my grasp on it was firm, my determination to clean our community, our _family_ , from such an evil presence was enough to drown my fear and anxiety. I had to do this, I needed to do this. Who else would if not me? Who else would be fit to be the Guide? The Gods gave me a test, a living and oh so tainted test.

 

_“Their chest will be cut open; their dark insides will be shown to the world to see just how much they were rotten.”_

 

 I remember the words of the elder, the words that were printed in the books, coming out of my mouth, preaching them to a lost soul while I sink the whole length of the knife into his chest, making him scream louder and twist in pain. The blood, so red and yet so filthy, was starting to come out and stain his sweaty skin when I started to open him up. I could see his insides, moving, and his heart beating, alive and desperate to stay that way.

 

_“The heart, the source of every emotion. The heart must be ripped out of that body, corrupted by the maggots of anger, jealously and every negative emotion that comes from space…”_

 I remember as I hold the organ in my hands, the blood all over my arms and when I hold it up, above my head for everyone present to see it still beating, still trying to push the disgusting maggots into an already tainted body, that same blood drips over my face, close to my eyes. It leaves a red trails over my white skin, like the tears of a forgotten God, whose will was testes and had to teach their creation a lesson, no matter how much it hurts them.

 

_“You don’t want that to happen to you, don’t you Brother?”_

 I remember how I smiled widely at the look of the terror in his eyes, and now I smile while looking at his heart, at knowing that his body is going cold and still in the ritual table. I smile so genuinely, my chest full of happiness that I felt I could explode. My family was safe, I passed the test, I freed us from Brother Eric’s teasing and pushing and influence.

 I never thought that my first time taking somebody’s life would feel so good, so fulfilling. So _right_.


	7. Eighteen - Ritual Knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greed is the root of all evil... It doesn't matter where it comes from, if it's caused by money or power, it must be exterminated as early as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who lied with the age thing? Now I am feeling a little guilty for not writing more about Daniel as a kid, but I'm not sure if I should add more chapters like that because of how far in the "timeline" we currently are.
> 
> Also I gave each chapter a little summary, it's not really much.

 At first it was heavy when I grabbed it. It wasn’t the weight of the object itself, but more the responsibility that that came with just holding it. Even today just knowing that it was just there, hiding safely against the skin of my back made me shiver with excitment and respect. I am the only one that can hold the Ritual Knife. I am worthy of punishing the sinners with the wrath of the Gods.

 Because it wasn’t enough with just Eric, twisted and rotten Eric. His mere presence infected so many young ones of our community. It was such pity, my Father said, that those young boys and girls couldn’t be like me. They were so quick to grasp the dark emotions and make them their own… Giving them a home inside their souls…

_Tearing their flesh, cutting through their bones, taking out the heart and holding it above my head… The drops of blood always fell right where my tears would be if I felt sadness from their deaths._

 Some Mothers said that the reason the blood always found their way as tears on my face was because the souls of the sinners were repenting themselves, showing their sadness for falling into the grasp of the dark energies. Some Parents said the Gods were speaking through the sacrifice, trough me, and that was the reason of why I felt that way about them.

  The people that had been influenced by Eric, all of them met their fate under the point of the Ritual Knife, their souls could be saved, but with this kind of infection we couldn’t take any kind of risks. They were mostly young, younger than me, their souls so innocent that they didn’t know any better.

 _My siblings- No, no longer brothers and sisters, only children who wronged the nature of our religion. They cried and screamed and trashed around, more desperate than Eric himself. They didn’t know what would happen, he did, and that made everything easier and oh so much better. They moved too much_.

 Every time after a ritual I took a cleansing bath, not wanting to suffer the same fate. But that was part of the reason I took them so often, or at least the part I told the parents. I shouldn’t have lied to them, but for that I punished myself with the red stripes that burned my back. It was that twisted and sickening feeling that grew every time I had in my hands that godly tool that was at fault.

_And how right it felt to hold it. I felt complete and so alive. It was like all those years I was hiding a sadness so deep within my body, and just the weight of the knife made all of that go away. But that sensation became addictive, because I didn’t like It when the sadness returned, it made me feel sick and disgusting and… rotten… I didn’t want to be rotten._

 Their screams, their cries, the different weights of the organs I took away and the blood on my arms and face… It was all feeding me in a way I didn’t know I needed, like I had been starving my whole life but didn’t know of what. I could only smile widely, showing my happiness to the world and the Gods above.

 But the realization hit me a year after the first time, my smile disappearing, leaving only a mask of pure panic. I saw them while I was looking at my reflection on the bathroom mirror, just below my white skin of my face. I could feel them crawling beneath the tip of my fingers when I reached to touch, unable to believe my sight. Maggots, they were inside of me, making the skin they were living under crawl in disgust and fear.

 Greed, that was what I was feeling. The feeling I was feeding was greed, and it may as well be corrupting me from the inside as deep as the hatred corrupted Eric, as well as the sadness corrupted my dear and lost Brother Jose- _Another scratch, another memory lost to the pain_.

_I didn’t want to be rotten._

 I looked at my arms, and I could see how they crawled between my flesh and bones, the feeling of them moving making me want to throw up, the gags making me unable to breath. I wanted them out of me, I wanted them to be far away from me.

My nails dug and scratched, the white tiles of the bathroom floor being stained by my blood. But no matter how hard I followed and tried to pull them away I couldn’t find them, I could just feel how they got away every time, making me more and more desperate. The tears that ran down my face, no longer bloody and from others, but crystal clear and from my own two eyes

_I didn’t want to be tainted._

 It was just too much: the pain, the panic, the realization that all of this time I was as corrupted as the ones I killed, but the only difference was that I did this to myself. In that moment, with my hands grabbing for dear life the sink so I would fall to the floor while I looked at the harm made by my own hands alone, I remembered, the tool that caused this, and the same that could make it all stop: The Ritual Knife, the only thing that was going to cure me from this disease.

_I didn’t want to be corrupted._

I ran to the church and searched for the spare key that was hidden under one if the rocks of the entrance, pushing open the wooden doors and running inside. I knew the layout of the church like I did my own house, so it was easy to find the door to the room where the sacred tool laid.

_I didn’t want to be filled with filth._

 The weight, so familiar. The texture, so soft. I held it with a shaky grip, feeling how the worms moved frantically through my body. They knew what was going to happen, and it made me gag knowing that we were feeling the same fear.

_I’m so sorry, my lost brother._

 Tearing through flesh and muscle the blade cut my body just like a scream does to the silence, making me shout in pain. This was right, I repeated to myself as the blood painted the floor red, this will be worth it, I told to myself as I felt how the maggots of greed trashed against my skin, just like the children that died under the same blade. By the same hand.

_I’m so sorry, my dear sister._

 My throat was hoarse from the screams, from the wailing. The Ritual Knife cut from my toes to the back of my head. The tool of cleansing fell from my hands to the floor, sinking into the pool my blood made. My dizzy head making me believe that the whole floor was covered by it. I still don’t know if it was because of the state of panic I was in, but at the moment I swore I saw their little white bodies floating above the surface of the blood.

_I’m so sorry, my precious family._

I hugged myself, my nails digging into the cuts in my back and stretching their corners as I screamed in fear to the night sky that could be seen through the glass ceiling. No longer looking at it with the wide smile of a young executor, but with the stained face of a broken young man. My body no longer pure white, but bloody red on the outside, and dark on the inside.  

_I brought this upon myself._


	8. Nineteen – Chosen one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one talks about that time. This family doesn't talk about a lot of things. 
> 
> It's for the best.

I was so happy, so excited. My smile was even bigger than normal, showing my pearly white teeth to everyone that came to congratulate me. My body was full of energy, I had to tense every inch of my body to not jump in joy.

 The day had finally come, the moment our Fathers and Mothers had promised us since the very beginning. Finally, we are all ready for our ascension. And Mother Isabelle told me I was chosen to be the guide, a tittle that had belonged to Father Augusto before he died because of his deteriorating health.

 Me, a guide, the role I always spired to fulfill since I was a kid, I finally reached. How could I not be happy? It was the best day of my life! When Sister Tiara, the sibling of the poisoned sinner, came to me she gave me a bright smile, one I hadn’t seen in a long time. After the death of her brother she became unstable, but with enough cleansing baths she returned to her normal self. Her hair was all white like the rest of us!

 She was holding a box with candles, the ones that would decorate the inside of the church, illuminating our spirits as we ascend. She was wearing a white dress, the one every female member had to use on this special day.

“Look at you Daniel! That shirt makes you look so cute!” she said with a laugh, one that I returned. My shirt was plain white, buttoned up to the neck, just like her dress, and the sleeves covered every part of my arms, leaving only my hands uncovered.

 _~~She didn’t have to know it was like that because the scars were still noticeable. Because that didn’t happen.~~ _ ~~~~

“Well thank you my sister! I have to say you look as beautiful as the flowers Mother Clarissa is carrying to the church.” I said in return, seeing she covered her mouth as she laughed. It was true, the fabric of her dress looked like the petals of a flower, contrasting her pink skin.

 “Oh, stop it! You are making me blush.” Tiara accommodated her hold on the box “I just wanted to wish you good luck and, well… I wanted to ask you a favor.” She said in a whisper.

 “Sure thing Sister, what is it?”

 Tiara looked around us, lowering her head and stepping closer. One of her soft hands grabbed my arm, her hold was strong compared to her delicate form. She looked me in the eyes, brown meeting baby blue; I could see the sadness deep within them.

 “When we ascend… Can you guide my brother?” I just tilted my head, forcing my smile to stay in place, trying to not acknowledge what she was truly saying.

“But of course Tiara, I will guide everyone in this family!”

“No, Daniel, that’s not it… I’m talking about Eric.”

 I felt my mouth dry, my muscles tense, the need to snap the tension away was too much. But the way she was looking at me, the desperation and sadness was almost palpable. She meant her words with her whole heart. Sister Tiara would please the Gods with her ascension, someone as good as her doesn’t deserve to live in this world. Doesn’t deserve to be related to that piece of filth she calls a brother.

"I know he wasn’t the best person, and that he caused a lot of trouble... But I believe his soul has learned from his mistakes!" She said, almost pleading, her eyes watery.

 I put my hand over hers, squeezing it in an attempt to show her how much she means to me.

 “I…” I try to talk, but the words feel heavy in my mouth. I had to drown the hatred, down all the bad emotions that arouse by the mere mention of that name, all for the sake of my dear sister. Looking at her pleading eyes… I feel something heavy inside my chest, making me see the same colour I have in my own eyes… “I will try, Tiara. I swear, but it all depends on him…”

 Tiara looked down, pulling her hand away from my arm and using it to wipe a tear that had started to go down her cheeks. She took a step back and took a deep breath, looking at me with a relieved expression. No longer did I see her eyes like my own, but just the same brown she always had.

“Thank you Daniel, you are a good brother.” She said before leaving, carrying the box of candles to the church.

 I stayed frozen in place, my smile so tight it hurt.

  _ ~~No I’m not-~~_

 I crack my neck, shutting it down, looking around me with a refreshed energy. I took in the sight of every person who was outside their houses dressed in white, smiling and laughing, helping in the preparations of this grand event. I started walking towards the church, planning on helping too.

Nothing was going to ruin this day.

 

 

 I had practiced the serving of the blood of the Goddess, read about it, heard about it from the oldest members. I knew every step I had to take, how much of the liquid I had to pour in each glass, how much time we had to wait… I had prepared myself for this moment all my life…

 So what did I do wrong?

 We were all reunited inside the church; the whole family was sitting in the mattress we had put on the floor, the whole area free of its usual seats. I was on the elevated ground, a big table in front of me with a lot of glasses by my left, and on my right the bottle with the blood of the merciful Goddess. At its side there was a small wooden box, its lid was open, showing little white circles

 I filled every cup, giving them to each member of the family, along with one of the little white circles from the box. I put the glasses on their right hand and the circle on their left, and when they are all sat down on the mattress, I take a deep breath.

“My dear Brothers and Sisters, Mothers and Fathers… This night we are reunited in our sacred church to celebrate this wonderful moment, the moment of our ascension.” I said with a wide smile, looking over the women and men before me, seeing how they were as happy as me “In one hand I gave you the blood of the Goddess of Death, the drink that will make you fall into her embrace. In the other I gave you the tears of the God of Mercy, the ones that will sing a lullaby to your body so that the Goddess doesn’t feed off your pain.”

I take a little bottle from inside the wooden box, previously hidden away by the solid tears. I take it with care between my fingers and open it, showing it to my family. It’s the bottle Father Augusto had, the one he showed me a long time ago, the one he said passed from Guide to Guide. Maybe he knew he was about to die. 

“I will drink the tears of the Goddess of Death, something only The Guide must do, to make sure that all of our souls will get safely to the land we were always meant to exist in. We will be among the stars, in a safe place were the negative emotions won’t be able to get us.”

 I fill my glass with the transparent liquid, holding it in the same hand the others do, taking the last solid tear with the other. I hold them before me, and they do the same.

“Cheers, my family. And let us ascend to the side of our beloved Gods!”

 We rise our cups and put the solid tear in our mouths, drinking the liquid and then laying down on the mattresses. Once I finish drinking from my cup I get closer to where my mother and father are laying on. My father has his eyes closed, but my mother is looking at me with such pride and happiness that makes my heart pound faster, making my smile even wider.

“Daniel, my sweet Daniel.” She says once I sat down beside her, grabbing my face with her shaking hands “I always knew you would go far… Even after everything you went through, you really are protected by something wonderful.”

 I put my hands above hers, feeling every winkle in her skin. She wasn’t too old, but she always worked hard, and it showed in her body. Her slightly bent posture, the trembling of her hands and the grey hairs one could see if you looked for them, always hidden in her blonde hair. She was such a good woman, I was so happy knowing that her soul would be protected for the rest of eternity.

“Thank you mother…” I said with a sincere smile, feeling her arms around me in a motherly embrace, lying down with her.

“Sleep, my dear.” She said in a whisper, her fingers caressing my hair “We are so proud of you.”

Her words lulled me to sleep, a warm sensation of happiness and accomplishment inside my chest. I smiled to myself, happy at the thought of seeing Joseph again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translating takes time, and even more if it's for a dear friend.  
> But that is no excuse for the waiting, I am deeply sorry for that. I hope you like this chapter.
> 
> This may be a short chapter, but don't worry, I have the next one already planned.


	9. Nineteen - Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those who fail shall receive punishment. No exceptions.

 I never understood what that word meant. Hell.

 The Mothers and Fathers told me that Hell didn’t exist, that it was just another lie made up by the rotten people to justify their way of living. Grandfather Morgan told me that it was a place were bad people went after their death to be punished for their actions. He also told me that not everyone believed in Hell, but there was no way of knowing if it existed or not.

 He also told me, on a hushed tone, that some people experimented Hell while they were alive. 

 Those explanations were useful, but I still didn’t get it. If Hell was a place where people went to be punished, does it mean that everyone goes there after death? Is that what happens to the souls that get lost on their way to the Gods? Maybe that was one of the reasons why they needed a guide, so they wouldn’t be confused with the rotten souls.

 Even with those explanations I never truly understood what Hell was, or how someone could feel in Hell. Not until I woke up in it.

 I opened my eyes and dread filled my chest when I recognized the roof above me as the one I saw before falling asleep. I was paralyzed, afraid of looking around me and confirming what I knew was happening, but my mind wouldn’t process, desperate to keep me safe from the cruel reality of the situation. Everyone around me had ascended… but I was still there.

 I could feel my mother’s arm resting on the chest, it could have been comforting if it wasn’t for the cold that passed trough my shirt. Her weight, her temperature, it was all wrong. Everything was wrong. Why was I still there? Why hadn’t I ascended with my family? Was I not worthy? I felt numb, I couldn’t move, I could barely breathe, the weight of my failure _ ~~s no no that never happened why are you thinking of that stop it, it never happened, stop it stop it don’t think about things that never happened~~_ pressing down on my chest.

 I can’t remember how long I stayed there, waiting for the dream, the sick joke to finally stop. But it never did. My family was still there, cold and limp. I was still there, breathing heavily and my eyes wide open. The tears didn’t fall until I got up with my shaking arms and I finally looked around me. While I laid there for who know how long my stomach kept twisting like it was trying to eat itself, but that didn’t hurt as much as the sinking realization that this was real.

 I covered my mouth with my hand, my chest moving violently while my breath started coming out of my lungs like I was being punched from the inside. My whole body was trembling, my legs barely holding me when I finally got up. I walked slowly, every time I tripped on an arm or a leg I could feel a sob tearing itself form my dry throat. When I finally reached the altar, I fell on my knees, grabbing the red cloth like my life depended on it and pulling it closer to my chest, making the little box that held the tears of the God of Mercy fall to the floor.

 I looked above me, my eyes searching for the one’s of my gods. Something nudged the back of my head, like it was eating away a wall, reminding me of a similar situation: on my knees begging for forgiveness, another failure _ ~~no that never happened never never I promised I would never think of that I promised I can’t even keep that promise to my ascended family in what more will I fail?~~_

“Why are you doing this?! Please! Don’t punish them for my sins! “I screamed at the top of my lungs, it felt as if my throat was tearing apart. I didn’t care. I was already breaking from the inside out “I beg you! Don’t take your anger on them!”

  I was falling apart. My mind, my heart, my body, my soul; they were cracking like a crystal _~~like the time Jen broke the mirror because she didn’t want to look at herself after the cleansing baths.~~_ I kept begging, screaming even when my throat was hoarse and my words got lost between sobs. I had failed my family, my Gods. No matter how much I tried to hide them, how much I tried to forget about them, my ugly sins were there, and the Gods saw them.

“Tear my soul apart! Make me suffer an eternity of torment! But please, don’t hurt them!”

 The brother and sister I couldn’t save, the ones I couldn’t protect from the dark emotions. If I couldn’t protect them when they were alive, If I couldn’t even keep myself from getting corrupted even one time, then how was I supposed to guide my family? I felt dirty, I felt useless. I failed in being a sacrifice, in being a guide, I wasn’t worthy of forgiveness but I still begged for it. Sister Annalise told me she was afraid, but now I am afraid for her, for the whole family.

 I clenched the cloth closer and I felt as something heavy fell from the altar on my lap. It was the Ritual Knife. I took it in one of my shaking hands, the familiar weight felt welcomed at the moment. I raised it above my head, my grip on the handle so tight it hurt.

“I know I am not worthy of your forgiveness, but accept proof of my devotion! I will give you the purest of souls if that keeps my family safe!”

 I would no longer run away from my sins, I would not forget the family I had failed. I would earn my place among them and I would guide them towards our Gods. And once there I would receive my final punishment without a word. I deserved whatever they felt was fitting.

 With the last of my strength I got out of the church, leaving my worst mistake behind. I couldn’t stay with them, I couldn’t bear the thought of poisoning their bodies with my presence. I tumble my way out of our beautiful neighborhood, the weight inside my chest downing me. I could only think of my Parents, my siblings, my Grandfather, all of them looking down on me, on how they must feel.

 I am not worthy of being above with them. For the first time in my life I was truly alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah that long wait has no excuse.  
> All I can say is that I started College and it consumed all of my free time. Also, I had this chapter planned from the beginning (you can say it's the inspiration for this whole fic, since it's the first thing I thought about) and I wanted it to be perfect. 
> 
> But finally, here it is. I can't say for sure when Ii will update again, I have two tests coming up. All I know it's that I will be free from November until the last week of March.
> 
> Have a good day, and thanks for reading!  
> Again: sorry for the wait.


	10. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's heavy... heavy heavy guilt... heavy heavy sins... around my neck and my ankles and my wrists like chains... they drag me down to hell.

 

_… raise, step, drag, raise, step, drag…_

 My stomach hurts… it growls in hunger, it twists in fear and sadness and… disgust… and sadness… It tries to push something out. Silly stomach, there is nothing there… there won’t be for a long time… My throat hurts, it’s sore, little claw marks inside… teared me from the inside…

_… raise, step, drag, raise, step, drag…_

 My eyes are heavy, they sting… the tears that stained my face dried a long time ago, when I closed my eyes and it was still day time… Now it’s dark, I can’t see anything. ¿When did it get so dark? I didn’t have my eyes closed that long… So tired… So… tired…

 _… raise, step_ **\- ow ow ow-** _drag_ **-ow-** _raise, step_ **\- ow-** _drag_ **-ow-** _…_

 My feet… they are numb, like my legs and my arms. I feel something… little pins and needles, they hurt… they dig deeper with every step, should I care that the filthy things are entering my body? They will… infect me, right?... It doesn’t matter… my ankles hurt… my knees hurt… my hips hurt… I think I’m limping…

…raise, step, drag, raise, step, drag…

 I wonder if Jen walked through here… am I stepping on her footprints? No… she ran, I’m… limping, dragging my feet? sleepwalking? I don’t know… Poor Jen, did she feel this lost? did she run until she collapsed? did she find a safe place? I hope… she was good… better than me… better than… me…

… raise, raise, raise, drag, step, drag, raise, step, step, drag…

 There are a lot of trees… I didn’t notice before… Am I in the forest? Good… at least I’m not in the city… Lots of… Lots of bad, bad people with their, their bad energy and fil… filthy… I think I heard an owl. Owls are nice… their big eyes… their feathers… They… They ate the rats that come from the city… good owls, took care of the family… yeah… good owls… Did Jen like owls? Did Joseph like owls? Do… do I like owls?

_…raise, step… Step... Raise… drag… Drag... drag…_

 Where… Where am I? Where am I going? Why is the sun up now? I can see the trees, the leaves, I can hear the birds… the birds flying… I want to fly.

 I want to fly.

 I want to fly with my family.

 I want to fly with Joseph.

 I want to fly with Jen.

 I want…

 Who…

 Who says… I can’t fly? I never… never tried before… Maybe we all can fly if we try… hard enough… but… my head hurts a lot… I can’t fly if my head hurts… I can’t fly when… everything hurts… so… so much… not when I’m… so tired… I may fall… Maybe I should fall….

 Maybe…

 Why is it night time again?

_… raise, step, drag, raise? Step? Step… drag… raise… raise… raise?..._

 That’s weird… the grass feels weird… feels like stone… but, but different…

 My head is… twisting? I think it’s shaking… my brain is sand… and paper… and cotton… and… it’s heavy… I don’t think I can feel my legs… I can’t feel much of everything, is that normal? Ouch, ouch, heavy heavy head… why does it keep swinging? Side, to side, to side, to side, to side, to side, every time a little bit more to the... ground? My arms shake too... what am I holding? it's soft and heavy...

 Huh…

 Those two shinning things are really big…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this POV is from Past Daniel's perspective I should have separated it from Present Daniel with something, like italics... but I know that reading a whole chapter on italics can be a pain.  
> Just to clarify the change in tenses. Did I explain this correctly? Writing like this turned my brain into dirt.


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